Young Adults and Entitlement..not just Obama's Issue

Entitlement. Very rarely is it warranted. We're all very aware how entitlement can be construed in light of the recent Mitt Romney debacle.  But nothing irks me more than when I see young people feel entitled.  In my opinion, no one under the age of thirty is entitled to anything but opportunity. They simply haven't earned it yet.  The only exception to that rule is the young individual that has suffered early tragedy and understands sacrifice, grief and shared understanding.  They, I think we can all agree, are entitled to a great deal of respect and some unique privileges in life.

However, today, too many young people feel they are entitled to privileges and respect from parents, teachers, bosses and co-workers and they've done nothing to establish those entitlements.  We don't owe each other anything automatically in this life; it is up to each of us to earn what we want out of life.  Yet, so many young people expect things to be given to them without warrant.

This lends itself to the big question: where is this feeling of entitlement coming from? We can blame some of it on society...today is an 'instant gratification', 'get it yesterday or it's not fast enough', 'buy it today and it's already obsolete', 'keep up with the Jones'" society. And if history repeats itself, our kids will improve upon themselves and the next generation will be at warp speed and before you know it we will be going so fast we will be operating in reverse. Not condusive to taking your time and earning your paces.  More like: "I want it and I want it now." So the rest of the blame starts falling on parents.

Yup, us.  Oh we mean well enough, but we mistake 'giving' for love. And all that giving, is creating 'entitlement monsters'.  The more they want...the more we give. The more we give, the more they think they are entitled to.  It's a vicious cycle.  We've forgotten the word 'no'.  We've forgotten to be reasonable.  We've forgotten we are the bosses. And when we finally come to our senses, because our guts are gnawing at us (that final request for one more electronic device they don't really need and we really want for ourselves anyway) and we tell them 'no', they are telling us how mean we are because they've never heard the word before. 

This is how the 'entitlement monster' is born. If we are wise and very lucky, we figure it out early and nip it in the bud before we are broke, our kids are helplessly spoiled rotten and they miss out on the bigger message that they need to earn the things they want in this life. And the profound message that we are parents not 'means to an end'.   

I have people tell me all the time about their young adult children, still living at home or newly returned home from college that are completely disrespectful to them.  They speak rudely to their parents, never clean up after themselves, eat what they like, expect their laundry to be done, come in and out all hours of the day and night and feel no obligation to show courtesty of any kind. This is the epitome of entitlement.

When I hear these stories, I want to ask three questions: Did you always give them everything they asked for when they were growing up? Did you ever expect your children to do any chores around your house? If the answer to the first two questions is no, why would you expect respect from them now?

The fact remains that when kids are growing up they need to know that they are not guests in their own homes but an integral part of their families and that means that they learn to contribute. When they contribute, they earn their place in the family and earning always gains respect; self respect. When kids respect themselves, they respect others. 

I'm always amazed at how adults don't put this together.  When our kids are small, sure, we want them to like us but in the long run it is so much more important for them to respect us because ultimately they need us.  We have a job to do and it isn't being their friend.  They have peers for that job. We aren't doing them any favors by treating them like royalty in their own homes. The world doesn't back that concept up outside the walls of our homes and we fail as parents when we give them the idea that the world hands them whatever they want on a silver platter.

At the very least, our kids leave our homes someday knowing how to function on their own and someday how to demand respect from their own children.  It's never too early to start with your own kids.  I remember when my daughter was an infant and we were on a weekend getaway with good friends and their infant son.  We were going to go to dinner one night and we wanted the babies to take their naps that afternoon so they would be fresh for the dinner hour.  We put them down and they both started to fuss.  We let our daughter work out her fussiness until she feel asleep but our friends continued to go to their son and pick him up every few minutes.  I tried to encourage my friend to let her son work it out for himself; a skill he would need all his life, afterall a little crying wouldn't hurt him.  She was unable to do it and as a result the baby never really napped.  My husband and I took a walk along the beautiful lake area that afternoon while they struggled with their baby all afternoon.  They thought of him as a difficult baby. He was just a baby...we never did get to go to dinner with them that night.  They insisted we go without them. I suspect that happened a lot to them.

In our homes, we get the respect we demand and if our young adult kids are pulling the entitlement card we need to pull the respect card; it's pretty simple really.  Our children don't get to talk back to us, they don't get to call us names, they don't get to walk out on us and they don't get to trash our homes, simple.

The only thing a young adult child is entitled to is the 'opportunity' to live in our home. And if they are not contributing financially, what we are entitled to is their assistance around the house, their pleasant company, their courtesy, and their undying respect. I know I wouldn't accept anything less.